I personally don't believe it. I feel like everyone is holding out for that "perfect" person/feeling. This is a topic that is readily discussed but there's never a definitive guideline to follow. People are unique and therefore each relationship is going to be different. You can't really compare yourself to others. Thus frustration is imminent. Will you give the "right" person a shot or will you bypass your chance while constantly seeking that ideal...and end up alone?
I think it has to be brought down from an idealistic to a realistic stage. What are the aspects of a relationship for which you are not willing to settle? What are those smaller aspects on which you can compromise? Certainly you shouldn't lower your standards in seeking a companion, but in the age bracket 20-40 yrs it all becomes too real way too fast.
I'm kind of a spectator on the sidelines of this topic. I think the reason it all intrigues me is because I'm always telling myself: "Someday in the future you'll find the right person." When is the "future"? How in the world are my friends already getting married?! It's a good thing I'm not one to freak out and find someone quick just to follow the trend. From simple observation and listening I have gathered the following ideas:
1. People fall into it or get out of it. If both people are truly seeking a relationship for lifetime commitment...then they will know fairly quickly if it is "working out" or not. Compatibility and their "make-it or break-its" will most likely gear the relationship at the beginning.
2. It "works". This is the realistic part that I was referring to earlier. Do your lifestyles and goals work well together? Do your morals/values align so that both people are becoming better versions of themselves? I'm told that this is the comfortable stage. You become best friends and know each other so well that you can't hide from each other.
3. Tested commitment. I believe you have to get through the good and the bad in order to know if this person is the right one. Getting through hard times via communication and arguments can really solidify a relationship. If both people stick through the relationship even during the worst times...they are probably not going to give up that easily in a marriage.
If all these things have to come to pass then the next natural thing to do is progress in the relationship.
4. Can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Well...this is it. Is this my "special" person? Everything seems to work and both people are happy. They have been down the good and bad roads and have been there through it all. So...naturally they go towards marriage. See how I don't think it's all magical? It really is an anti-climactic process. It takes time, effort, tears, laughs, etc. I think after a while you just realize it and go for it. None of this "rushing to get married after the first few dates" business. I think it takes years.
I realize I am in no position to dish out long term relationship advice...but I do have the experiences of several of my friends so it's somewhat valid :) I have been influenced by the A&M stereotype of getting married right out of college...but in a different way. I just like to see stable couples (key phrase: stable) going through it and how they arrive at the decision of marriage. I find it amazing to be honest. I still feel so young with much more to learn and experience. I am a planner/thinker and I like to know what I want in life...and I tend to follow through with it.
So for me I'm at the "planning/thinking" stage and I like to see how other people are doing this...but not personally experience it quite yet haha. I love being single because it gives me a chance to do some real soul searching and to figure out exactly what I want in a relationship.
So take my amateur thoughts or leave them for now. Feel free to check in with me in 10 years and see if I've had any personal experience on this topic :)
So I decided to check out your blog today for the first time. Really interesting article/blog...definitely a rising topic for our class :)
ReplyDeleteI think when you eventually find yourself in a relationship, you won't be capable of a superficial, short-term one, you're made of too good of stuff. Also, I think you may change your mind about one or two things...for example, I don't think anti-climatic is a good term because to go from serious to engaged to married is all about growing.
On a closing note, at least you have next year to meet plenty of new, high-quality single men!
Oh, Pilar. Stop thinking so much!! Haha.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a whole lot to say on the topic of "seeking" the right guy because I found mine when I wasn't actively looking, and I never went through that period of "how will I ever find the right person for me?" But, I am one of those crazy married friends, so I at least have a slightly different point of view on the whole thing...
I think your first three points are accurate...#4 is the one that doesn't sound quite right to me. Admittedly, love isn't a fairytale. It's real and it's flawed, and loving someone is a choice that you make over and over again. When I married Jeff I was CHOOSING to love him forever... it was a commitment. Every so often (sometimes every week or every day!) he does something that bugs me and I have to CHOOSE to love him. It'll always be a choice. So yeah, that part's a little un-magical.
But, I think you're missing the whole concept of it just FEELING right. I'm a really practical person, and I think with my head more often than my heart, but when it comes to the person you're going to spend your life with, it's totally a heart thing. When it's right, you'll just somehow know. You'll know that you're going to choose him every time, and you'll know that he's going to choose you every time too. And until you do get that feeling, you probably won't know what I'm talking about, but if you don't just know deep down inside of you that there's no one else that could fit you so perfectly, then it's not the right person.
For some people, it takes a while to get that feeling. I think I knew about a month into dating Jeff that I was going to marry him (of course, we had already been best friends for years, so that's a little different, but still). I was in no way ready to be married at the time, and we both had a lot of growing to do, but I just KNEW. At that point, we were young and neither one of us had stable goals and lifestyles (at the time, we were planning on being a pediatrician and a psychologist, ha!), but it just felt right.
Of course, we waited for years after that to get married, and I think that made us a stronger couple, but I can totally see how it would work out for some people to get married pretty quickly. When you know, you know. :)
We say to each other all the time "you're not perfect, but you're perfect for me!" It's nice to be reminded that he's not expecting me to be perfect, and I think it's important to acknowledge that we have flaws, we know they exist, and we love each other anyway.
Whoa. Longest comment ever. Anyway, you're right... it's not a fairytale, but it's not so totally scientific and practical either!
Hey Pilar. Loving your blog so far and so super excited for you to start at TCOM in the summer (although I will miss seeing your beautiful face here in Houston)! Like this topic a LOT. If you have time/want another book to add to your reading list you should try "Sacred Marriage." I would recommend it for anyone interested in this topic even if they're not currently in a relationship or working towards marriage.
ReplyDeleteRachel Rhem
Don't think about it so analytically. It will happen when it is the right time. You will know when you find the right person. You're young. Enjoy being single. The right guy will come around when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is hard work. The easy part is dating. If the dating is difficult, the marriage will be impossible.
Enjoy your time and focus on you.
Love you,
Jana
I agree a lot with Katie. From experience, its not something you can just say "he's the one" as soon as you meet the person- but its a sort of process.. but every couple is different. However, I think your points mentioned above are rather accurate. I also think it has a lot to do with "growing up"-- you're at that point where you are comfortable with who you are and where you want to be in your life because you have to know what/who you're looking for- and of course, every person arrives at this point at a different time in their life. It's not that you "can't live" without the other person, but its that you don't want to live without him, you do choose to be with him forever.. and you complete each other in a way that brings you more joy than you can imagine-- yes there are hard times-- but you know you can always will work through them no matter what. Relationships are complex, yet oh so simple. Well anyways-- that's just the two sense I have on the subject. Dinner soon!
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Jennifer